Wind and Waves

Now is that special time when things are BLOOMING! So exciting!

Here’s me, looking all happy and innocent after I traumatized a poor hungry mouse.

Trauma. Trauma. Trauma! What a fascinating subject. I have been diving in. Deep. So much to learn.  Like. So. Much.  As a society, we are only just breaking the tip of the ice-berg.  But we are uncovering more and more, in depth-ful expansive ways.

It took me awhile to land on the concept of trauma, for me personally.  I thought it was a word associated with war.  And war has felt far from my sphere.   It  took me a LOT of SLOW realizing to unpack the word and personalize it.   This seems to be my way in the world. SLOW realizing. OMG. SLOW.  (I am learning about patience too!)

So far, I understand ….. that the point of life is to ultimately give and receive love. And  learning is a part of this exchange. It is attention.  Attention is love. And so, life is not about being smart, having a good job and being good. Ha! who knew. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger (not that I would have listened) my eager little self was so ready to be good, to please, make people like me, to make situations flow nicely. (my parents may not share this perspective ;-)) Life is about learning and intimacy (with everything) At least this is what I have come to……………..thus far.

Slowly I am unraveling  and the word trauma keeps coming up. My girlfriend Julia first put this to me.  As a Mental Health expert working for the State of Colorado, she attends lots of conferences and collaborates with leading edge speakers. One of her speakers elicited a thrilling resonance for her.  Julia called me from her car afterward to tell me about it. “You know”, she started slowly…..”you might have some trauma…..”
WHat?! me? I grew up in a rich white mountain community with loving parents and even a stay at home mom.  not me. But you know. Her words resonated somewhere and slowly rippled in.
So Yeah. Along with our culture, I have a wide and widening understanding of Trauma.

I am staying in a little straw bale cottage. Care taking. It is Dreamy. I have to pinch myself.  Is this real? Laura, you don’t deserve this. Yes you do. Thank you thank you thank you thank you Thank you. lady who owns the cabin, Great mystery universe, Aya, the stars….. Thank you!!
And. My job is;  to keep it clear of mice.

So I timidly set up a mouse un-killing trap.  When the SNAP sound happened, late last night, I knew he didn’t die. But I can say, I completely traumatized the little guy. I finally released him in the morning after being cooped up all night and freezing (I put him outside— yes I did that 🙁 ) I couldn’t bear to hear him nibbling to get free all night.

In the early morning hours, in the thawing rays of sunshine, I released him to my favorite land….an act partially fueled by my guilt. I watched him, slowly make his way through the tall grasses. His life force was way low. His fur was ruffled. He was shivering. and his poor little tale had been pinched in trap door. It may have fallen off…..I didn’t want to see. This little guy was cute. way cute.
So I didn’t kill him. Is this good? I am releasing him totally traumatized!  Because he is an animal and wise in these ways maybe he will release the trauma quickly and easily? Will he find food and warmth and other mice friends, in his new land today?  God I hope so.

I’m not sure this is better than ….. just killin him in a kill trap.  Working through trauma can be very difficult life work.
Oh man. This “task” is a little harder than I imagined. Does anyone have a cat I can borrow? Ha!  Let nature take it’s course and I can slip out of chain of perpetrating trauma?!

Ahhhhhh!

Flowers do not force their way with great strife.
Flowers open to perfection slowly in the sun.
Don’t be in a hurry about spiritual matters.
Go step by step, and be very sure.

– Grace Cooke / White Eagle

“You are beginning to understand, aren’t you?
That the whole world is inside you –
in your perspectives and in your heart.
That to be able to find peace,
you must be at peace with yourself first;
and to truly enjoy life,
you must enjoy who you are.
Once you learn how to master this,
you will be protected from everything
that makes you feel like you cannot go on.
With this gift of recognizing yourself,
even when you are alone,
you will never be lonely.”

– Unknown

  “Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself. A woman who listens to her needs. Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influence on the present. A woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf. Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods. A woman who imagines the Divine in her image and likeness. Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who believes her body is enough just as it is. Who celebrates her body’s rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body. A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the woman in her life. A woman who sits in circles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets. Imagine yourself as this woman.”

by Patricia Reilly

A day to celebrate saints, ancestors, and others in the less than visible world.

We are the sum of our ancestors
Our roots stretch back to blue-green algae
They stretch to the stars
They ultimately reach the void
This history is inscribed in our psyches
Silence and solitude enjoin us to remember
Our whole and great body. Joan Halifax

Find what is natural, not what is normal. Panache Desai

Shari Ubechel (awesome artist in Taos, NM)

{Below} is how I look out onto world. (a tough way to see the world.  Why do I look at it this way soo much?!)

Wow, I love his wordsmithery.  {Russell Brand}

“Here in our glistening citadel of limitless reflecting

screens we live on the outside. Today we may awaken

and instantly and unthinkingly reach for the phone,

its glow reaching our eyes before the light of dawn,

its bulletins dart into our minds before even a

moment of acknowledgement of this unbending

and unending fact: you are going to die.

You and your children and everyone you love is hurtling toward the

boneyard, I know you know. We all know but because it yields so few

‘likes’ on Facebook, we purr on in blinkered compliance, filling our

days with temporary fixes. A coffee here, an eBay purchase there, a

half-hearted wank or a flirt. Some glinting twitch of pleasure, like a

silvery stitch on a cadaver, to tide you over. And you’re probably too

clever to ‘repose in God’, or to pick up some dusty book where the

poetry creaks with loathing for women, or gays or someone. Maybe

if quantum physics could come up with some force, or web, or string

or something that tethers the mystery to something solid, something

measurable, you’d think again but until then there’s nothing but an

empty grave and a blank tombstone, chisel poised. So no one’s going

to blame you if you perch on a carousel of destructive relationships

and unfulfilling work, whirling round, never still, never truly looking

within, never really going home”

I wonder…..How do we live a life of meaning?

My most cherished teachers, have given me advice about “belonging” because somehow, it’s a thing for me. Like, a total thing for me.  I have rarely experienced a feeling of belonging.  And when I did, I remember grasping at it, wanting it to last forever.
Em: “Why would you want to belong, you gotta get over that one, girl, the sooner the better!”
Paul:  “You will never belong you are powerfully special”
Julie: “Why would you want to be special (and belong)… that is filled with expectation of others and…..sooo boring! Be you! so much more exciting…”

I feel lucky to have such independent strong loving teachers in my life, who are willing to be so present with me, in such a deeply kind way.  Thank god for them! or I may not be here.

And yet, my wanting to belong hasn’t shifted. It is real.  I feel it today. I feel it now.

So when I discovered that Brene Brown’s new book (which has the word WILDERNESS (love that!) was about BELONGING….. I straight up bought it, even though I have about 20 books in my queue.  I am one chapter in and LOVING it!  I have tears in my eyes, as I read (listen).

I have moved from being on the fence with this woman (though I have read and enjoyed all her books and TedTalks) to officially, admiring her.

I think this book is her best and I think people are going to love it and it is going to fly off the shelves in a big way.  She seems ON, like super tapped in to what is going on internally for a lot of people right now.  Although I have only read a chapter and my feelings could shift…….this is my first impression!

Quote (somewhat chopped up)

“…..These are the moments that left unspoken and unresolved send us into our adult lives searching desperately for belonging and settle for fitting in. They have the power to break our heart, spirit and sense of self worth.  And generally you handle this in 3 ways:

1. You live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and are inflicting pain on others.
2. You deny your pain and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you and down to your children (my Dad)
3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level empathy for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a very unique way.”

I think we need to weave the tapestry of humanity back together….go into this pain and come out the other side!